Maternal Mental Health Month

May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month, and is a time to shed light on the emotional wellbeing of mothers before, during, and after pregnancy. The birth of a child is a joyous occasion, and there is no end of well-wishers available to fawn over a newborn baby. After all, in the weeks leading up to their due dates, many mothers are bombarded with “Is the baby here?” text messages and calls. And, once the baby does make their grand entrance, they’re the center of attention (and with those perfect, tiny toes and irresistible newborn smell, who can blame them?). Something that tends to fall to the wayside is the care of the new mother, which is evident even in the single 6-week postpartum medical checkup in which stitches are examined, a few questions about mental health asked, and no further follow-up required. The reality is that many moms (as many as 1 in 5 in many countries) experience some type of perinatal mood and anxiety disorder, like postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, which often goes unnoticed and untreated. Maternal mental health is essential, since it directly impacts the parents and the child. In honor of Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month, we decided to interview some moms on the Toki team about their postpartum experiences and how they fill up their own cup today.

Eli
CEO & Founder

Q: In your experience, what were the biggest challenges as a new mother? 
A: As a first time mom, I struggled a lot with self doubt. I didn't trust my intuition (I felt like I didn't have any?) so I listened to every piece of advice I got, even if it didn't feel right for me and my baby. Not until my second baby did I realize that feeling good, getting sleep, and taking care of myself were more important (for my family) than doing things "by the book."

Q: Did you feel adequately supported by friends and family after your baby was born? 
A: I was among the first of my friends to start a family, so I did feel a bit isolated. But I don't blame them, as I think it's really challenging to have empathy without being a parent yourself. Luckily, I was also the first of my siblings to have a baby, so the grandparents were 100% available!

Q: Did you struggle with baby blues, PPD, PPA, PPOCD, postpartum PTSD, or any other mental health conditions after your baby was born? What was your experience? 
A: Four pregnancies in, no. I know how common these struggles are among moms. I also know that makes me extremely lucky and pretty rare that aside from exhaustion, my mental health was fairly stable.

Q: What was the most helpful thing when you were freshly postpartum? 
A: Someone to watch my baby so I could do things! Shower, laundry, sleep, dishes, anything. Just come watch my baby!

Q: What advice would you give to a new mother of a newborn? 
A: Try as hard as you can not to listen to anyone. It's tough because we feel like we don't know what we are doing, but we do! Especially don't listen to anyone who says anything negative about how you are raising your baby (watch out for mother-in-laws, parenting influencers, and even some pediatricians!).

Q: Today, how do you fill your own cup while taking care of your children? 
A: Always making time for "me-time," which usually means screen time for kids or fully ignoring them. But it's a must! And they're better off with a better version of me + screens, than the other way around.

Q: What would you like to do most once you have more time to focus on yourself? 
A: Ooph when does this happen though—college?  I'd say I need to get better about sleep time. So, probably doing what I need in order to have a wind-down routine at night and get enough hours in.

Fawn
Customer Success

Q: In your experience, what were the biggest challenges as a new mother?
A: Just making sure to take care of myself amidst the craziness of having a newborn!

Q: Did you feel adequately supported by friends and family after your baby was born?
A: Yes, I was lucky to have a great support system. 

Q: Did you struggle with baby blues, PPD, PPA, PPOCD, postpartum PTSD, or any other mental health conditions after your baby was born? What was your experience? 
A: I did after my second daughter was born. It was super hard and very isolating, and prompted me to be better prepared for my third baby with a postpartum doula. 

Q: What was the most helpful thing when you were freshly postpartum? 
A: Literally anyone helping with meals, cleaning, etc. so I didn't have to think about it! 

Q: What advice would you give to a new mother of a newborn? 
A: Make sure to take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help! We truly need a village. 

Q: Today, how do you fill your own cup while taking care of your children? 
A: Since my kiddos are older (all school age), I'm able to spend small pockets of time doing some things I enjoy like reading, lunches with friends while they're in school, or grabbing a treat for myself that I don't have to share. 

Q: What would you like to do most once you have more time to focus on yourself?
A: I would like to find some hobbies for myself that I truly enjoy. Right now, even though my kids are older, we still have very hectic schedules with sports and extracurricular activities, which doesn't leave a lot of time for me to even figure out what I enjoy these days.

Alice
Copywriter & Blog Writer

Q: In your experience, what were the biggest challenges as a new mother?
A: I struggled with a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts, which was probably exacerbated by the sleep deprivation. I also had a bit of an identity crisis, and still am struggling with the fact that my body is not my own (I’m almost a year postpartum with my second, but still breastfeeding and still very much a climbing gym for both my kids).

Q: Did you feel adequately supported by friends and family after your baby was born.
A: I had my first baby during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, which was incredibly isolating. While I enjoyed the privacy, I also felt very much forgotten by friends and family, who would have otherwise probably been around. So, to answer, no. But, it was due to extenuating circumstances.

Q: Did you struggle with baby blues, PPD, PPA, PPOCD, postpartum PTSD, or any other mental health conditions after your baby was born? What was your experience?
A: I was caught completely off-guard by the baby blues and postpartum anxiety with my first. I just struggled a lot with intrusive thoughts and was absolutely terrified of anything bad happening to her. I would be up all night nursing, and would have a hard time sleeping during those precious minutes when the baby was sleeping because I would be frantically Googling anything and everything. Some of my late-night purchases included an expensive earthquake kit (I live in California) and an anti-choking device.

Q: What was the most helpful thing when you were freshly postpartum?
A: Through the power of social media, some people I had gone to high school with (and were moms) became my lifelines in those early months. One who lived nearby read my Instagram story about sleep struggles and left a Love to Dream swaddle in my mailbox because the arms-up style had worked better for her child. Another dropped off bags of her daughter’s outgrown clothes. Another shipped a care package from across the country. I was blown away by their kindness and I always, always make sure to check up on other new moms now—even if we aren’t good friends yet.

Q: What advice would you give to a new mother of a newborn?
A: Every baby is different, so there’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all solution. It’s so easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong when your baby isn’t sleeping through the night at 5 months old, or if they’re still suffering from reflux even though you cut out dairy, caffeine, and spicy foods. Whether you breastfeed or use formula, whether you let your baby cry it out or skip sleep-training entirely, whether you follow baby-led weaning or opt for purees, you’re a good mom. Just trust your instincts and know that you are the best mom for your baby. All the hard stuff feels like it’ll last forever in the moment, but it really will go by so fast. 

Q: Today, how do you fill your own cup while taking care of your children?
A: At the moment, I confess that I don’t. I have a 3.5-year-old and a 10-month-old, so there is very little time for self-care. I just started taking a Pilates class once a week, and those 50 minutes are the most time I have carved out for myself in a long time.

Q: What would you like to do most once you have more time to focus on yourself?
A: I can’t wait to go back to the gym and find joy in cooking again. Right now, I don’t cook the things that I love to eat, because I have a very picky child whose needs I cater to first (I know, I know) and I don’t have the time to make separate meals. I would also really look forward to spending time with my husband  again and going to new restaurants.

Rebecca
Business Manager

Q: In your experience, what were the biggest challenges as a new mother?
A: For me, the biggest challenge was the lack of sleep! It was a huge shock. Before having kids, I was the type of person who could literally sleep for 14 hours straight! I was so tired for those first few months, but it's surprising how quickly you adapt to the lack of sleep when you need to!

Q: Did you feel adequately supported by friends and family after your baby was born?
A: I was so lucky when I had my first baby because two of my best friends had babies a few months before me. We'd meet for walks and hot chocolate to chat about what we were going through, and message during night feeds! It was so great to know they were there, experiencing the same things at all hours.

Q: Did you struggle with baby blues, PPD, PPA, PPOCD, postpartum PTSD, or any other mental health conditions after your baby was born? What was your experience?
A: I had so many ups and downs! I remember the overwhelming emotions that hit around day five after giving birth, when all the adrenaline and hormones had worn off. It was intense both times! After the birth of my second child, I had the worst mum guilt! My newborn needed constant attention and my toddler also needed me just as much. During those first few weeks, it felt like there wasn't enough of me to go around!

Q: What was the most helpful thing when you were freshly postpartum?
A: My mum life changed when I discovered a baby sling!

Q: What advice would you give to a new mother of a newborn?
A: Rest! Just sit, cuddle, feed and rest! Things will get easier… I promise!!

Q: Today, how do you fill your own cup while taking care of your children?
A: I'm not the best at taking time for myself!  I do drink a lot of coffee, if that counts! 

Q: What would you like to do most once you have more time to focus on yourself?
A: One day I will go for long walks by myself and read more books… and then I will miss them shouting ‘mummy’ every 30 seconds!  

Devan
Fractional Chief Marketing Officer

Q: In your experience, what were the biggest challenges as a new mother? 
A: There are SO many challenges in being a new mom. To name a few—surviving on way less sleep, navigating the new dynamics with your partner, getting to know the rhythms and cues of a new little baby, and all while healing physically from childbirth. Moms are superheroes! 

Q: Did you feel adequately supported by friends and family after your baby was born?
A: It's crazy how differently you show up for other moms once you've had kids of your own. Many friends of mine didn't have kids yet, so they just didn't know how (or how much) to show up to support. I was also much more open to support after my second baby was born. With my first, I felt the pressure to figure it all out on my own which I later regretted. 

Q: Did you struggle with baby blues, PPD, PPA, PPOCD, postpartum PTSD, or any other mental health conditions after your baby was born? What was your experience?
A: I had a brief experience with some kind of undiagnosed emotional/mental health issue after my first son was born. I think it was brought on by hormonal changes and lack of sleep in the first few weeks. I felt very detached from my newborn and very overwhelmed by the difficulties of breastfeeding and lack of sleep. Once my husband started to handle more nighttime duties, and I decided to switch to formula, my mental health drastically improved.

Q: What was the most helpful thing when you were freshly postpartum?
A: With my second baby, my mom came and stayed a couple nights a week. I was resistant to it with my first, but I welcomed this help with my second. It was so amazing having her take a night shift here and there.

Q: What advice would you give to a new mother of a newborn?
A: Everything feels harder and heavier late at night. I remember crying while holding my newborn in the wee hours of the morning and wondering how we were going to make it through this hard phase. In the light of day, I'd feel so much more positive. 

Q: Today, how do you fill your own cup while taking care of your children?
A: I love to garden, and my kids love to join me in the garden. It's easy to pull out the pack and play for the little ones, and my toddler loves to splash in puddles and dig in the dirt. It's a full family affair and a time I love to share with them.

Q: What would you like to do most once you have more time to focus on yourself?
A: I'd like to get back to the gym. I was able to start earlier this year, but an injury set me back. I'm excited to get back to this once I'm healed.